Hard working people don’t sleep

Have you ever experienced insomnia?

Have you ever experienced insomnia? I think many people have. But have you ever been unable to sleep due to a panic attack? I haven't heard many friends share that experience.

In 2018, my second year of work, I remember it all started one day when I woke up at 4 AM to use the restroom. Because I knew I had to get up again in a few hours, I couldn't fall back asleep and ended up staying awake until 6 AM to go to work. The following night, I was so worried about waking up to use the restroom in the middle of the night, and sure enough, it happened again. At 4 AM, I woke up and couldn't sleep again.

This worry gradually escalated until, eventually, I didn't even have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night anymore, because I couldn't fall asleep in the first place. What do you do when you can't sleep? At first, I took sleeping pills, but then I started to worry they'd gradually lose their effectiveness, and then because of this worrisome and anxiety they really stopped working. A friend gave me some prescription medication, but after thinking about it, I didn't try them. I was afraid I'd become dependent on sleeping pills and that the dosage would keep increasing, treating the symptom but not the root cause.

Then began the long torment. I tried white noise, rain sounds, nothing worked. I tried all sorts of exercises before bed, no effect. Meditation before bed, listening to calming wisdom. Finally, I wrote a mantra and taped it to my headboard, reading it before bed. The mantra roughly said: Don't worry about not being able to sleep, because worrying won't help. I silently recited it hundred times in my head while trying to sleep, which was, of course, futile. My roommate saw the mantra on my headboard and realized how severe my insomnia had become.

At its worst, when I realized I hadn't fallen asleep at 2 or 3 AM, I'd suddenly have a panic attack, unable to breathe. I'd have to sit up to feel more comfortable. This frustration and the stress of not sleeping gradually spread from bedtime to dinner. When I thought about fighting alone in the dark for six hours again in the middle of the night, I'd get incredibly depressed. Eventually, this feeling of sadness even started by the afternoon, severely affecting my mood for the entire day. I couldn't even properly enjoy watching movies with friends.

This situation lasted for almost a month. Finally, I gave up: maybe this is just how my life has become: always tired during the day and unable to sleep at night. I'll just treat it as a chronic illness. And then, that night, my insomnia was gone! I had a wonderful, drool-filled, long-desired good night's sleep. When I woke up, I was first baffled, then it dawned on me: solving insomnia isn't about achieving it through effort! The more you desperately try to solve it, the more stressed you become, and the less you sleep. This completely contradicted everything I believed growing up. I always thought that if you wanted to achieve a goal, you had to work hard towards it. Even if you didn't reach the goal, you'd still be closer than before. Insomnia, however, was the opposite; the harder I tried, the further I got from the goal.

My boss at Intel at the time listened to my insomnia story and believed that "the obsession with effort" was not only not a solution but the main cause of my insomnia. I was sleepless because of stress, and my stress came from worrying about being tired at work, which would lead to poor performance. My boss looked at me and nodded, "So you're a responsible person ." My insomnia story actually earned me points. My brother heard my story and laughed, saying only new employees striving to prove themselves get insomnia.

So, in the future, if you can't sleep, don't fret because it's an affirmation of your work attitude. When you calmly accept your insomnia and accept failure, sleep will naturally come.